Grieving the loss of a lifestyle. Releasing my subconscious’s need to stay the chubby girl in order to live freely.
Know that I am not trying to add guilt to you about your diet, for me this manifested with coffee and sugar but the scenario can meet you wherever you are.
Finishing up a holistic nutrition degree and having been fascinated by food and nutrition most of my life; I had talked myself into believing I was eating right. I am doing better than many and compared to the Standard American Diet I am doing well. This while true was also a lie. A lie to myself as a way to freely eat sugary treats, guzzle coffee, and occasionally eat cheese because it’s not that bad…
A few weeks ago the day came to me where I had had enough. No more talking myself around the truth it was time to let go of the garbage once and for all. Now this was not the first time I had vowed to eat better but a day latter i’d be 5 coffees deep munching on a cookie. Like all addiction the hold is deeper than the substance, it’s built into our lifestyles. The behaviors and rituals surrounding the expression or addiction are equally important and once really deep into the holds you may not even be sure it is making you happy but you need it. Stooping at Tims for a coffee wasn’t really a choice it was a necessity, leave the house without a coffee I’d rather be late, have a wholesome breakfast over leftover treats not possible.
The reason for my previous lack of success in letting go was just that… I wasn’t really ready to let go. Our reasons will look different but be very much the same, as we move towards health there will be parts of our subconscious that isn’t ready for the change and it will cling to sabotaging our efforts. I resist the notion of a “diet” at my core, I hate restriction and eating for appearance. So as my rebellion I allowed my self to eat poorly. We are bombarded by alternatives to healing, I could sub artificial cancer causing energy sucking sweeteners and drink chemically altered decaffeinated coffee in order to skirt around the truth or I can sit with my shit till I can let it go. Once I sat with my baggage surrounding my behavior I could more freely address an honest change.
The key to success is to sit with what it is that wants you to remain stuck. For me if I am being honest a fear of really stepping into the last phase of cleaning up my food patterns. Having given up meat, most dairy and fast food a long time ago this was the last piece holding me back. As a kid I was chubby and this mind set has stuck with me, still seeing myself as that chubby girl, my subconscious is not willing to have me move through to a place of real health. Part of me felt like I have no right to be eating this well and enjoying the benefits that accompany. This sounds irrational on paper and is actually really hard to even admit but until I got to the bottom of why I wasn’t really ever committing I knew I would have no hope for change.
Get to the stories and beliefs that drain, deplete, and destroy you, only than will you feel free and ready to make the changes you are longing for.
** I realized while getting photos from my childhood I really wasn’t that big, in fact I was kind of cute. However my experience was that of being over weight, insure and self conscious. True or not those things stick.